To daringly throw our terrified being into that which is felt to be true, can be awkward and painful at the wrong moment, but incredibly uplifting at the precise one. The whole universe cooperates with such a soul, or any soul ready to soar, to bring about the fruition of that divine precision. 

A mantra to self:
In a dazzling silence, dwelling in the deep infinite space within our being, all of what we are expands and flows like a rapid river over rocks. If we allow our minds to be quiet long enough. If we pay attention. If we dare to let go. Peace of a magnitude unheard of to the thinking mind, is just there. We may fall into its vastness to find ourselves lost, only to be fully found. Here we may rest, recharge, linger. Happiness can find new heights because a sincere well-being, one which doesn't require outer success or riches (nor does it avoid tears or pain) has its residence here. Tears are embraced, not held back. For in this inner universe all pain is allowed. Achievements can be enjoyed and celebrated only none will be worth it if our inner value depends on it. Freedom is to enjoy it all, live it all, dare it all, but without attachment to any outcome or whatever comes to pass. In such a place lies the power of true success, nothing less.
 

Fear and courage, beginning to really get along inside me. One is not the opposite anymore, only an aspect of itself. A brave step may trigger fear, but it does not ever own my mind, nor my heart. The light inside has earned its presence, claimed a permanent abode in more places than ever. Healing is flooding the shady corners, bringing love to what remains in the dark. Trembling, but not alone. The game has changed. No more chessboard of opposites. Black and white, trying to out-do one another. That is of the old. For I see a golden player, rising up like a star. Thriving on integrity it holds a wisdom wider than me, craving my attention with the strength of a roaring lion. Any heart can open from such a place. To let it in, I am forced to surrender. To share its beauty, I find myself giving for no reason at all. In fact, when fear is felt it can be of help, serve as a reminder of the fragile human experience. Because of just that it empowers such a soul and may aid as I strive for excellence, as I seek to bring out the best in me. Mistakes are allowed and flaws are part of that equation, but neither are ever a measurement of my true existence. Focus becomes pertinent. To enjoy, a simple formula to follow for the rest of my life. Too tired to live superficially, the upholding of any image is crumbling. The pace is slower, yet that which is important gets done. The present moment is always within reach, bringing its validity to the forefront. We are creatures of such grace, humble by nature, often more so than we allow ourselves to be. It's a choice of the heart, difficult for the ones who have settled for less. The ones who believe the value of their being is tinier than that of others. Either the game of arrogance is played, or the victim perhaps, or control issues rule, keeping many great souls lost in this illusion. The clearing of these beliefs may re-set the game board. Sudden shifts can blow the old right out of the water. If we only dare to go there.

I'm catching up on my own reality, again. Without pointing finger, old "norms" were taught to me by parents and the upbringing I had, by teachers at school, friends, society and a pressure to perform in certain ways. A lot of great things came out of that, but also a bunch of lies. I'm sure the intentions were good, but my interpretation of what I saw and learned became an odd crutch to lean on. Perhaps wounds and memories from other lifetimes played a part, too, with fear and abandonment being of my initial make-up, but also a lot of love.

Joy in its purest form wasn't part of that equation, which is rather sad. It is now, though. Love used to be a need for me, now it's becoming a self-sustained quality which I can share freely, without judgement, without the conditions of my past. For a while my own value was measured by what I accomplished. The rewards of being a generous person, was a must. The illusion of keeping busy was another aspect, as well as staying physically active and capable. If all these were ripped away, I had little left to lean on. Some of these qualities are still true for me, but in a more positive way. My identity does no longer depend on it. Life is slower, but more productive. To achieve from joy is my current motto, not as a measure of self. To be generous from the heart for no other reason than that, is what I prefer. To do with effortless ease, rather than keeping constantly busy, can be quite a challenge. Then again, it works. The flow of existence shows me the way. As I surrender. As I relax. No need to prove anything, just be. Oh, it's wonderful to experience, sometimes through tunnels of old, quite intense emotions. In that case I have to squeeze through the passage; open, allow, just to find myself in the face of light once more. To move my body in whatever way feels right to me, is also important. Not according to some image of what fitness and exercise ought to be like.

An initiation, a deepening of my existence as a soul on this planet, is what is taking place. Again. A confusing journey, at least for the fragile personality I once embodied. So beautifully pushing for attention in my life, I will take notice even when the comfort of the old, despite me wanting to move on, is threatening to block the road. Habits tend to do that. Yet my soul is calling and there is no way back. What I am asking of myself, is to be free. What I seek goes against many of my taught values, all to welcome the embrace of what I already know, deep in my heart.

And so the journey continues...

I am very saddened by the news of Robin Williams death, like so many others in this world. He was a wonderful human being who shared so much of himself in the movies he was in, and otherwise. A gem. A bright light. In fact, I found myself yesterday watching a few clips of some of his performances. Instantly I was reminded of the extreme depth he often took on board in the characters he played. Sometimes it was humorous and light, other times extremely deep and profound. In fact, I dare to say life changing. And suddenly I wondered. If a person has such unrestrained access to so much energy and wisdom coming through, then it must be challenging to nourish the smaller self inside. A soul of such magnitude with unhealed wounds, can so easily suffer. They've got it made, right. They have success. Still, if there are emotions left to linger, it may be hard to handle being under such focus and scrutiny. Someone I know encountered Robin Williams once and she said that privately he appeared quite shy and humble. It makes me think of the words Nelson Mandela so famously said as he came out of prison (from a poem by Marianne Williamsson). One line in particular struck me: "It is our light, not our darkness, that most frighten us." 

And this brings me to the fact that so many talented people are under extreme scrutiny in the horrible media circus this world has created. These people, or anyone expressing themselves creatively, are so courageous in my opinion, putting themselves out there with all their talent, skill and passion. It makes a person great, but also vulnerable. They are put down, in particular by these horrible magazines we see on the shelves in shops all over. They are taken to the cleaners for every step and action they do. For what? So other people will feel comfortable in their cozy existence of ignorance? So other people don't feel bad that they don't dare to shine? I don't know. We all have the capacity to be bright stars. We don't have to be famous to be so, just true to our own hearts. It's just that when a person becomes famous they are suddenly public material, as if any privacy has been deleted from their realm. It requires a lot of inner strength do deal with this kind of attention, positive or negative. To be who we are is our birthright. To express our uniqueness and glory in this world, isn't that what we so beautifully owe ourselves? So let's celebrate these brave souls for showing us the way to greatness. Let's be inspired, uplifted, touched, brought to tears. They are wonderful, but not perfect. They are open, but not bullet proof. Their gift to others ought to be deeply respected. The need to find their flaws is only petty and cowardly. We all have faults and we all make mistakes, famous or not. There is no need to put these people on imaginary stools and then let the cheap media flick them off on the behalf of those who live a more mediocre life. Nothing wrong with mediocre, but that kind of media is downright wrong. All to make money. So there's no wonder that many famous people struggle. If you feel like going to the store on a bad day and the world make a story about you which isn't true, taking pictures and lying and creating drama, then I imagine it would be hard to meet that inner child that perhaps is a little lost and tired. Also, the internal process of such extreme exposure must be confusing in any case, media rudeness or not. Or so I imagine. I don't claim that I know what went on inside of Robin Williams mind. He was hugely celebrated, which is wonderful. I just explore the phenomena of being talented and well-known. Sense what it might be like to be so creatively open to the world and yet human, all the same. In the end of the day we are all equal, in all aspects of the word. This will be our greatest virtue as we move forward in my sense. To lift each other up regardless. To trust that we are perfect as we are, all while polishing our own skills and abilities. We ought to help one another when we loose our footing, hug each other when we cry. This, I sense, will bring about more peace in this world, without losing the ambition.

With that I say, may your soul soar Robin Williams. Wherever you are now. You left an in print on this world that will touch many for years to come, and for that I am deeply grateful.

To go against my own "norm" can be challenging, however much I wish to change my ways. The memory of what has been is safe. A human trade. To hold on. To stick to the known. All while life is all but that. Life is a mystery to unfold. A moment to moment journey of the heart. If we dare to follow the impulse, that is. The extraordinary depth of love calling us home. To capture it we've got to pay attention. Then again, in truth we cannot capture anything. We can only allow. And the dazzling truth of each moment shall whisper in our ear, if we are brave enough to listen. 

Routine and organization has a place, but a delicate act of balance will bring mystery into that. To trust that all is good whatever happens, is not an easy task for my frightened human mind. However, the magic of life will never break what's important, only add wonder to the settled base I've already created. Then again, at times the "norms" are completely blown out of the water. They have to be. Perhaps I loose my footing. If I get too comfortable. If I trap myself in the snares of my own ego. In the wild there is no comfort. Such trust was forgotten. Dependent beings may grasp for truth in material things, in proof, in all of that which is tangible. The scales has tipped too far towards the physical and logical. Forgetting, so sadly, about the great mystery. 

It is changing, though. The scales are shifting. The power of each individual is that of a roaring lion, not a sheep in a herd. The modern world has denied so much. Yet, the seams are bursting. The potential within is crying to come out. How much longer can we cover ourselves with endless stories? Ideas based on emotions we're ready to move on from? Any web of safety will make me fuzzy and warm, but it may be what's trapping me in my illusion. The contradictions are many, since everything has meaning all the same. Every moment, every leaf, every piece of matter. It's how we identify our own value on the things outside of ourselves, that holds us back. Sticks in the wheel of life, preventing the flow. It has also been used by some of those in power. To keep us blind. It's time to stand strong and trust that we are lions, not sheep. That we are great sparks of light, not the ashes below the flames. Powerful, responsible and capable, we are souls on this Earth here to create miracles. In small or large ways, it doesn't matter. Claiming our true essence is a recap of the innocence we knew at the beginning of life, only to live it fully with the awareness of our years. 

The time has come.

To touch a place inside that is fragile and vulnerable, scares me. I'm confused. I'm restless. Then again, I haven't had the courage to go this deep before. To allow whatever is shall hold me in a place of light, soothing me to the core. Angel wings embrace my being, bringing me closer to Source. Many times, through life and healing, I thought I had arrived somewhere just to find that it goes deeper. Yes, often when I thought I had it sussed, I'm thrown into another challenge. An ocean of wisdom awaits to be explored and integrated, like a wide open sky, there to comprehend. My ego has to step aside. A quiet passenger, an observer of the soul and nothing else. When I dare, I break through. As I open, clarity arrives. Such a glorious mystery. I'm learning to trust on so many levels. To give and receive in an even balance. To not loose my footing. What an act of grace. I will release the past by acknowledging each step, each wound, every memory as it was. To express myself fully has been terrifying at times, but there's no room to hold back any longer. The mystery in the wake of forgiveness is contagious and uplifting, sometimes frightening. The journey of my soul ahead. For in a dazzling garden of peace shall I find solitude. I can rest for an eternity there, but I will not. For another liberation will come to pass. Joy beyond measure. Freedom from a busy mind. To instead be love as it is, is a privilege. No more needs to pin me down, only passages of emotions to explore. Every time I meet the force of doubt shall it lead me further. No more fear to hold me back. For if I remain aware, as I sink into my depth, any such state can be transformed in a place where resistance turn to golden dust. Where I am who I truly am. 

Another chapter of growth.