To live a life of constant surrender, is an act of Grace. To follow the passions of heart. To let go of all effort. To just turn up in life. It requires much of the ego yet very little of the soul.  

Integrity is needed, and openness. Without courage, it is hard. Without willingness, impossible. Without love, probably doomed. 

When action comes from inspiration, rather than strive, much can be done with such ease. To allow emotions fully is a path to a glorious state of forgiveness. A birthright every woman and man came to this earth with. 

And so a life of inner peace can evolve and deepen. Not as a constant. Not as a rule. But as a core of each experience. Involved, passionate and completely alive, naturally spreading to others around.

Moments of sunshine, making my day. Remembering, oh remembering, to move slowly. All in the knowledge that whatever needs to happen, will do so. If I don't strive so hard. If I don't attempt to be in control of it all. I understand that if it is created in my mind, all I have to do is relax, allow and follow. To effort cost too much, but it is tempting. So tempting. The body tells me the pace as my mind tries to race ahead. Because life has a way of unfolding, so beautifully, if I let it. As the intentions are clear. As my heart is open and free.

In the wake of a most wonderful, hugely transformational week in India, I find myself resting in a place of surrender and joy. I have done a lot of inner healing in my life. I've had many major breaks and experiences of letting go, on quite a few occasions actually. Only this time I feel I cracked an inner game that I have been very reluctant to look at. Guilt, shame, fear, all combined, has been forced up, protecting and shielding me from feeling and exposing what I so needed to release. Then again, I see a pattern. Last time in India I dealt (very deeply) with father issues - the masculine side of me. This time, it is the feminine. Softening. Nurturing. Dealing with core parts of myself. And to have Peter there was such a blessing. He opened like a flower in his own processing, which was beautiful and humbling to see. 

What a gorgeous soul/man I am married to. 

One of the illusions I found was my strange inner belief, very tucked away, that I am not worthy of receiving the best, an emotion triggered very acutely by us finding our new home here in Wanaka two years ago. For a while, when we first moved in, I thought there must be a catch, just to realize that this wasn't the case at all. It was just to open and receive. For all of us. We had manifested our dream home, as simple as that. That is all there is to it. 

Now, here comes the interesting part. What this illusion turned into was now when we've got this, everything else has to be perfect, too. I didn't phrase these words per say, but in retrospect I can see that the images I constantly projected onto any situation, was that. Whatever happened had to match the creation of our "perfect home." What stupid crap!!! Well, I caught myself in it, began to understand why I've felt so low and down in the mornings for many months. What a pressure to be under, resulting in a sense of failure if I (and other members of my family) didn't live up to this. I apologized to Peter in front of the whole group in India for all the times I have blamed him. I cried. I have also talked to the kids, in ways that works for them. What a tremendous relief. Peter received the apology with such Grace, sending a apology back to me for his ways of detachment, what he knew had happened for him to avoid openness. 

Now, sitting here writing, this illusion feels completely blown to pieces. The thing is, a few years ago I wouldn't even have known it was there. I may have sensed it, but not known it like I do now. Projecting my inner hurt onto the outside world is easy, at any point. To own issues and fully face them takes time, courage and a certain amount of willpower. I honor myself for not giving up. I honor Peter for jumping into the unknown with me every time I have suggested it, despite him resisting it at the time. 

How wonderful life is. Harmony, joy, passion and love, is now in its wake. Not to mention a deep sense of freedom. I am aware of the fact that I may feel some of these emotions again. Life is like that. Then again, I also know that I don't have to buy into them. They don't have to run my life anymore. Not in any shape or form. They can just move through, every single time. That, in my experience, is the true power of living in freedom. 

Finally. The gratitude. The deep deep gratitude I feel for daring to trod along the path of self-discovery, opening and healing...well, it is immense. It's not just skimming on the surface, but a way of moving forward even when I think I'm done. Because the Journey and opening continues. More and more freedom is available with every step I take. Living with awareness demands this. That I keep seeking. That I evolve. This is the beauty. It's not always easy (damn, is it not!) but always always rewarding. When an issue has been fully felt - dealt with - forgiven - let go of, what is left in its wake is this. A sense of just being.

Life is an absolutely treasure, each and every moment. 

Thank you so much for listening - Hugs, Jeanette

When any action comes from love, healing within is natural. When stuck in fear, what is feared may actually be realized. In contradiction, to fully feel fear is different. That allows it through, which is a true blessing. The resistance to fear is what keeps the emotion trapped, enhancing the experience with no way out. To love the self in fearful moments allows the energy, the love being like a soft buffer, urging the emotion on and out. A letting go of intensity can then take place, without attachment or further ado. Fear, so often, is nothing but the imagination of what could be, not a mirror of actual events. Can be at times, but more often than not it is a total illusion, only created within the mind. To open and soften and feel fear fully, is indeed a momentary process. Freedom and light awaits, every single time, as the breakthrough is complete.

That is my direct experience.

The Ego is sneaky. Its obvious game is an egocentric one. Hurtful actions and selfish moves. Then again, it may also convince me that I'm acting from the freedom of Soul, even when I'm not. The Ego may sacrifice the beauty of who I am in order to give, all to feel worthy. The Ego may do a lot of good, create great things, entertain, lead and make peace, and it is still not an act of freedom. It is a way to avoid feeling something. The snarls of Ego are many and the only way to know my inner truth, is to fully open. To allow games, strategies, hurt, pain and/or anger to come forth, and then see what remains in its wake.

 

The Soul can do all of the above, but without being attached to the outcome. The Soul is happy to fully shine and will celebrate others as they do the same, without an agenda or condition in place. The power of Soul will love, unconditionally and fully. Honesty is spoken, but with no need. Integrity comes naturally. A sense of being fully here, each moment of every day, is a sign of living a life from Soul. 

On the outside things may not differ a great deal, but on the inside it will. And ultimately many things will change. Because to live a life from Soul, with the Ego as a passenger rather than the driver, it is (to me) a life of uttermost freedom. The Ego will be there, say it's piece at times, but with awareness I can see and penetrate the game quite soon. Gently I move back to the truth of who I am. The Ego needs my love, but not my attention. The Ego has to be there, but will no longer drive.

And so the journey continues...

Our own needs has to come first. Not from an ego place, but from a natural place of care for oneself. To nourish the energy, body and emotions of that which we truly are, can only lead to a cup so full it overflows. Naturally. Of its own accord. Because a healed heart will speak of peace. A healthy body have energy to spare. A free mind will speak soothing words, uplifting those in need. Emotions felt and honored prevent judging, as - over and over - feelings are allowed to move through. Light may be find at its core, without striving, without force, every time. An expression of love in every breath, effortless like a flowing river. 

What a wonderful journey to be on!

As my surrender goes deep enough, I fall into softness. My being is letting go. Nothing has to be controlled from here. Trust is within reach. A profound acceptance welcomes an inner joy that just is. An opening, into each moment. This, rather than achieving anything. At the same time, the joy of moving patiently towards a goal is part of that freedom. Without striving. Without the need to prove anything. I sense this, but am not fully there yet. Here in India, in the company of such gorgeous allowing souls, my every cell wishes to ease the tension of holding on. The Journey of deep inquiry and healing continues, and I completely welcome the fire of it.