I'm catching up on my own reality, again. Without pointing finger, old "norms" were taught to me by parents and the upbringing I had, by teachers at school, friends, society and a pressure to perform in certain ways. A lot of great things came out of that, but also a bunch of lies. I'm sure the intentions were good, but my interpretation of what I saw and learned became an odd crutch to lean on. Perhaps wounds and memories from other lifetimes played a part, too, with fear and abandonment being of my initial make-up, but also a lot of love.

Joy in its purest form wasn't part of that equation, which is rather sad. It is now, though. Love used to be a need for me, now it's becoming a self-sustained quality which I can share freely, without judgement, without the conditions of my past. For a while my own value was measured by what I accomplished. The rewards of being a generous person, was a must. The illusion of keeping busy was another aspect, as well as staying physically active and capable. If all these were ripped away, I had little left to lean on. Some of these qualities are still true for me, but in a more positive way. My identity does no longer depend on it. Life is slower, but more productive. To achieve from joy is my current motto, not as a measure of self. To be generous from the heart for no other reason than that, is what I prefer. To do with effortless ease, rather than keeping constantly busy, can be quite a challenge. Then again, it works. The flow of existence shows me the way. As I surrender. As I relax. No need to prove anything, just be. Oh, it's wonderful to experience, sometimes through tunnels of old, quite intense emotions. In that case I have to squeeze through the passage; open, allow, just to find myself in the face of light once more. To move my body in whatever way feels right to me, is also important. Not according to some image of what fitness and exercise ought to be like.

An initiation, a deepening of my existence as a soul on this planet, is what is taking place. Again. A confusing journey, at least for the fragile personality I once embodied. So beautifully pushing for attention in my life, I will take notice even when the comfort of the old, despite me wanting to move on, is threatening to block the road. Habits tend to do that. Yet my soul is calling and there is no way back. What I am asking of myself, is to be free. What I seek goes against many of my taught values, all to welcome the embrace of what I already know, deep in my heart.

And so the journey continues...