I understand that we have our individual obstacles to overcome in life. Somehow we seem to come in with particular issues to master and they are reinforced and repeated until we do so. 

One challenge for me personally is to say no, set boundaries and be clear. Therefore I have often attracted people who push my boundaries, use me even, which is never a pleasant thing. I've learned a lot around this already and I'm proud to say that I've come a long way in this regard. Then again, there's more. 

Money is always a touchy subject and the other day I asked someone for money back. An old loan, not addressed for years due to this person's inability to pay me. She failed to fulfil our initial agreement due to lack of funds and I didn't want to be pushy at the time. Then suddenly both our situations have changed. We, our family, have to be more careful with finances now. Having our new place, with three growing kids, horses, chickens, gardens, land and all, it means that things are a little tougher financially. We're not in a crises, but need to watch our spending and be smart with our money. The other change is that I know for a fact that this person has funds now. Surprised that this wasn't addressed her end I decided to ring her, but paying me back was quite clearly not a priority of hers. When I asked I was met with bitterness, blame and frustration. 

Waow. It hurt. I'm disappointed. Well, call me naive, but I have quite high morals when it comes to promises and agreements. I know I will be paid this money, which I should have been years back, but I may loose a friend. I feel taken for granted and hope this is not the case, of course, but we'll see. Still, I have to stand up for myself. If someone doesn't respect me better, I guess it wasn't a true friendship anyway. 

To me money is energy and this energy has to flow in and out in the correct way. To honor our word shows character and self-respect, which is more essential than money itself. 

This is what I'm cultivating right now, sort of the hard way.

Happy Thursday everyone! Jeanette

Yesterday I stood in the kitchen, chatting to my son Anton. He's fifteen years old, nearly sixteen. Then suddenly (and it really was quite sudden) I had a vivid and very clear flashback of him being around three - exploring the world, climbing trees, being the curious intense child that he was. Waow. I actually shivered at the memories, out of joy and awe mainly. And I looked at him long and hard, and said (what I assume many parents have done in the past): "How the heck did you grow up so fast?" He smirked and looked at me, sort of blankly at first, but then a particular smile I recognise appeared, in the very corner of his mouth. This is a gesture which means he is happy. He feels loved when he does that. Mothers know such things, I guess. Then for a moment time stood still or perhaps the seconds swirled too fast, I don't know, because I saw before me how he used to run with a giggle on the grass at home, barefoot on short little legs. I saw him lie on the couch drinking out of his bottle at night, slowly falling asleep. 

And then it all went. 

I looked again at this tall adolescent being who in all truth can be quite challenging to deal with at times, but also it is someone I admire. He has become a person in his own right, a brave and clever youngster with the heart in the right place. It just made me smile at myself, for all those times I thought I had failed as a parent.

I clearly remember being fifteen myself. Reminded of all the crazy things we did then, in my desperate search for myself, I shivered yet again. I thought that despite being a bit lazy and a madman at times (in particular on his downhill bike) this boy of ours somehow seems more sensible than I was. Or am I judging myself? In all honesty, being fifteen for me was fun, but oh so confusing. With all the so called threats of media and so forth today - things our youth are into that we weren't - I also feel that perhaps he is better prepared, in particular on an emotional and mental level. Or so I hope. In any case, today I celebrate all my three children and the incredible honour of being their parent.

My boy is becoming a man