In the wake of a most wonderful, hugely transformational week in India, I find myself resting in a place of surrender and joy. I have done a lot of inner healing in my life. I've had many major breaks and experiences of letting go, on quite a few occasions actually. Only this time I feel I cracked an inner game that I have been very reluctant to look at. Guilt, shame, fear, all combined, has been forced up, protecting and shielding me from feeling and exposing what I so needed to release. Then again, I see a pattern. Last time in India I dealt (very deeply) with father issues - the masculine side of me. This time, it is the feminine. Softening. Nurturing. Dealing with core parts of myself. And to have Peter there was such a blessing. He opened like a flower in his own processing, which was beautiful and humbling to see. 

What a gorgeous soul/man I am married to. 

One of the illusions I found was my strange inner belief, very tucked away, that I am not worthy of receiving the best, an emotion triggered very acutely by us finding our new home here in Wanaka two years ago. For a while, when we first moved in, I thought there must be a catch, just to realize that this wasn't the case at all. It was just to open and receive. For all of us. We had manifested our dream home, as simple as that. That is all there is to it. 

Now, here comes the interesting part. What this illusion turned into was now when we've got this, everything else has to be perfect, too. I didn't phrase these words per say, but in retrospect I can see that the images I constantly projected onto any situation, was that. Whatever happened had to match the creation of our "perfect home." What stupid crap!!! Well, I caught myself in it, began to understand why I've felt so low and down in the mornings for many months. What a pressure to be under, resulting in a sense of failure if I (and other members of my family) didn't live up to this. I apologized to Peter in front of the whole group in India for all the times I have blamed him. I cried. I have also talked to the kids, in ways that works for them. What a tremendous relief. Peter received the apology with such Grace, sending a apology back to me for his ways of detachment, what he knew had happened for him to avoid openness. 

Now, sitting here writing, this illusion feels completely blown to pieces. The thing is, a few years ago I wouldn't even have known it was there. I may have sensed it, but not known it like I do now. Projecting my inner hurt onto the outside world is easy, at any point. To own issues and fully face them takes time, courage and a certain amount of willpower. I honor myself for not giving up. I honor Peter for jumping into the unknown with me every time I have suggested it, despite him resisting it at the time. 

How wonderful life is. Harmony, joy, passion and love, is now in its wake. Not to mention a deep sense of freedom. I am aware of the fact that I may feel some of these emotions again. Life is like that. Then again, I also know that I don't have to buy into them. They don't have to run my life anymore. Not in any shape or form. They can just move through, every single time. That, in my experience, is the true power of living in freedom. 

Finally. The gratitude. The deep deep gratitude I feel for daring to trod along the path of self-discovery, opening and healing...well, it is immense. It's not just skimming on the surface, but a way of moving forward even when I think I'm done. Because the Journey and opening continues. More and more freedom is available with every step I take. Living with awareness demands this. That I keep seeking. That I evolve. This is the beauty. It's not always easy (damn, is it not!) but always always rewarding. When an issue has been fully felt - dealt with - forgiven - let go of, what is left in its wake is this. A sense of just being.

Life is an absolutely treasure, each and every moment. 

Thank you so much for listening - Hugs, Jeanette